TABLE OF CONTENTS
LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND
BACK IN LOVE WITH YOU
His voice is soft
but sometimes your heart is already broken.
Sometimes silence stings
and words go unspoken.
I still believe in love,
even in the silence.
Sometimes wanna turn cold,
erupt in violence.
that I never want to feel warmth again.
Want to open my heart
but don’t know where to begin.
Imagine being lost
and finding your way again
Only to cry out,
wanting it all to end
“Not For Me”
Pleasant, that’s how it starts.
Then there’s fire and I want to leave.
He’s not for me.
“At The Laundromat”
I’ve lived in a small town all my life but I never felt trapped.
I always wondered about the future, always wanted to know what was next.
Now I know that focusing on the present is more fun.
He deflowered me,
petal by petal.
My beautiful display
snatched from me.
I watch with watery eyes,
My waters diluted by restrictions
Even the sun watches with watery eyes.
My roots, still dry.
If I were to bloom, It would be a crime
when life is not mine.
I pray my petals scatter in the dreams of another.
“The Color Orange”
-recovery from disappointment, broken heart and blows to one’s pride
“Any Day Now”
I still believe in love,
believe in the light.
Saw your name in the clouds,
thought of you that night.
IT MEANS NOTHING
in every way.
I search to find
I want to rearrange without
having to explain.
Watching it rain.
I WANT MORE.
He is inaccessible just like I like them. He calls when he’s free, never answers me. He only says he loves me as I’m walking away. Then he calls back to back, begging me to stay.
“The Girls In The Band”
It’s late and I needed some stimulation.
‘The Girls In The Band’ showcases the role women played in crafting the history of jazz. The sights and sounds gave me new insight.
I’m feeling inspired and empowered.
Love is synonymous with purpose.
Sometimes when you know, you just “know”.
A gemini at work
likes to chat chat chat,
says he wants to go back to school
and sometimes listens to rap.
A summer in Huntington.
The days are long
and filled with peace.
I’m thinking of life
and what it all means.
I’ve been here before
but this time I’m free.
Eagles found me during my darkest time.
To the native americans, eagles symbolized great strength, leadership and vision. These spirit guides were considered man’s closest connection to the divine because they fly so high.
Eagles represent renewed life, new beginnings after a rough period, freedom and the courage to look ahead.
Thank you, eagle spirit, for saving me.
March 5, 2019
I slept amazingly last night. My dreams have been extremely vivid for the past two weeks but last night the messages were much clearer. Themes from a tarot reading I watched the night before appeared in my night visions.
Today feels “misty” but also bright. I feel more vulnerable to universal forces, which can be positive, if I let it be.
Sometimes you just have to surrender.
This is part of freeing yourself.
March 6, 2019
Day 2. Wow. I’m definitely feeling a lot more “misty” than yesterday. Seems like I’m seeping deeper and deeper into a pool of Piscean energy.
I’m feeling more sensitive but not necessarily in an emotional way. My awareness is heightened, like I can pick up on EVERYTHING going on around me. I’m taking it slow.
Uranus moved into the sign of Taurus around 3 AM. The planet has been reeking absolute havoc in my 10th house (Career) for almost eight years now. Still, I managed to achieve quite a bit throughout this time period. With this wild energy (and yes, it was WILD) moving out of my life, I can only imagine what’s next for me.
Today’s New Moon in Pisces has something in store for me but I’m not sure what it is just yet. I’m excited to see what this energy is all about..
March 7, 2019
A ‘7’ day and a day ruled by Jupiter. I don’t think it gets any luckier than that. I’m feeling blessed and extremely well-rested.
I still have this strong sense of some sort of abundance coming in but I can’t put my finger on what this new blessing is. Regardless, I’m at peace and will welcome this abundance when it arrives.
Even when things are going well, I still feel like something is missing.
Today is one of those days when I just want to call her and tell her about everything that has been going on. Is it weird that I sometimes miss her more when life is “on the up and up”? What is success when you can’t share it with the person that meant the most to you? Is it still success?
Either way, she’s always on my mind.
March 11, 2019
Last night, I dreamt of my mom. She was laying in my bed and I rested my head on her stomach. She embraces me and we laid there for what seemed like hours. There is nothing like the comfort of your mother’s love, even if it’s just a dream.
I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. I totally forgot that time moved forward. I am grateful. Seasonal depression really did a number on me this winter but I feel like the worst is behind me.
March 17, 2019
I took a step back from life and it was oh-so worth it. All last week, I knew I would be off that upcoming Friday-Sunday. I knew I had to go somewhere. My anxiety had been through the roof.
So I left. Without telling anyone where I went. I had to go. My mystery destination brought me an abundance of healing and spiritual understanding. This was healing I didn’t even know I needed. I was able to breathe in and out feel my mental and physical health be restored with each breath. I have freed myself once again.
I think I will stay an extra day.
March 18, 2019
Confusion, despair and a feeling of restlessness. Today is weird. I just want to be alone and not talk to anyone. Good thing I return back to work today after three days of being off, right?
My sister convinced me to go get my nails done and that really brightened me up. I still can’t fight this urge to break free from the things causing me to feel restricted.
On the way back from the nail salon, I ran into my good friend at a convenience store. She was smiling from ear-to-ear. Her energy was great and made me eager to interact with her.
At the top of the conversation, she revealed that she had just quit her job, something we had discussed for over a month now. Although, she doesn’t know what’s next for her, she is free. I can feel it.
I will be free soon, too.
March 19, 2019
I literally sprung out of bed this morning. I’m feeling a million times better than yesterday and I feel like it has everything to do with the fact that a Moon Square Venus aspect is no longer a thing. Like I said, yesterday was weird.
I’m so much better when I can freely create. Today I am doing some filming and also some writing. I have so many ideas in my head and they seem to come out of thin air. The sun is entering my 10th house this week so I will be ready to showcase some of my long-term projects soon. Hopefully this will also bring some healing to my career life, an area I’ve been struggling with lately.
I want nothing more than to work for myself. I realize this more and more each day. It’s like a flame burning inside of me that I couldn’t put out even if I wanted to.
“Two Little Birds”
She floats but only so far.
He only lets her stray so far
out of love and concern.
he’s still free,
so is she.
Love is their compass.
He goes where she goes,
knows what she knows.
There every step of the way,
He’s there every step of the way.
He doesn’t have to lead to feel assured.
Her nature alone frees him.
“Warm To Cold”
This is the first night not thinking about her.
I know she needs me but I have to detach.
She’s perfect for me.
I’ve met my match.
She’s perfect for me.
I have to detach.
I’m the problem without being told.
I feel warm but soon feel cold.
Things are not what they seem.
She loves me but I’m caught in between.
I think I’ll love you forever.
Whatever the load, I’ll bare it.
No matter your pain, I’ll share it.
I won’t know until it’s too late.
She’s perfect for me and I push her way.
I’m still here.
She loves me but I’m caught in between.
“4th of July”
Sometimes you don’t know where the wind is coming from but it still feels good.
I’m sure he’s thinking of the sparks bursting across the sky and not me.
i think about men.
So many men.
calls not returned.
waits that seemed so long
felt like nothing to him.
and she’s bad, too.
and points of view.
she will always be better,
much flyer to him.
or expressed remorse.
gotta get centered,
reconnected to source.
i try to forget
and dive deep within
but i think about men.
So many men.
To still feel the butterflies
after years and years,
washing away my doubts and fears.
My heart is yours
and yours is mine.
Thinking of you
from noon to nine,
praying, hoping for a sign.
Still feeling the butterflies
after all this time.
at any old time.
The dreaming doesn’t have to stop.
The comfort that lives in you,
your touch, your being,
the relief you bring.
What if we decide to never wake up?
He is perfect
and this is something I’ve always known.
He is not mine
And that’s why I love him.
He belongs to truth and courage.
He is freedom.
“Come To Me”
-chill, smoke, meet my dad and my sister, go out for drinks then relax and be in love
Open Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 8am-10pm (weather pending), $7
-Visit Sandstone Falls
-Show you my secret smoke spot
-Meet my great grandmother
-Visit Mom’s family
– Bring flowers to Mom’s grave
Maybe next time…
It’s like I know and then I don’t.
I don’t have a lot of pride
but I do have dignity.
Wishes that may never come true,
it was supposed to be you.
To feel used, wondering if any of it was true.
Who am I
and who am I to say
life has to stop right here?
Fear that lingers like the pain of a past love…
Even though I passed love
onto everyone I knew,
I’m still lost,
still don’t have a clue.
Seems like the heart breaks
a little softer
under sunny skies.
I’m smiling in the face of what I feared
just years ago.
It hurts but I’m stronger.
He hurts me, making me stronger.
“Lost It Anyways”
stopped my world
to give you love,
lost you anyway.
your dream girl
giving dream love,
lost you anyway.
from up above and in the wind,
feelings start to sway.
endless love until the end, lost you anyway.
A few months before my mom passed in 2017, I went to sleep feeling overwhelmed and dreamt quite a bit.
A goddess came to me in my sleep. She waited for me in a garden under the stars, before leading me to a lake where she began meditating. She meditated the entire time I sorted through the chaos of my dream. I cried but I felt cleansed.
I ate tomatoes and apples and returned to a letter from her wishing me love and reminding me that she would always be there for me.
I’m meant to create,
to write what I feel that day,
to dream endlessly,
to talk about love
feeling well-rested and clear in the mind,
taking time to breathe,
enjoying the sights.
May 20, 2019
I can’t remember the last time I felt this alive.
Peace has immersed my entire life.
So this is freedom.
God continues to shine his light on me time and time again. Blessings seem to be sprouting everywhere I look.
I am deeply in love with myself and all of the possibilities that lie ahead of me. I feel like I can achieve anything at this point.
It feels like light is flowing through me. Each breath is a blessing.
Real love was here all along.
Easier to grasp,
Easier to breathe.
Destiny is inevitable.
Offering all I have and experiencing
There is no need to rush when time is non-existent.
I am free.
I don’t have to ask. He’s just there.
He gives love, asking nothing in return.
And this is not something I had to earn.
Maybe this is love and maybe I was confused before.
Someone once said, “Maybe you’re not asking too much, Maybe you’re just asking the wrong person.”
June 29, 2019
All too often do we ignore our ability to transcend… well…anything. Despite the fact that we’ve already defeated great adversity in our pasts, we sometimes forget that we are capable of overcoming even the fiercest of obstacles. I decided that I don’t want to overlook my true power anymore.
I went to my little spot, smoked and got some sun today. Laying on my back and inhaling the herbs while the sun warmed my body was beyond transcendent.
I also stopped to see my great grandmother while I was in Harper Heights. She always boosts my spirits and provides me with the wisdom I need to get through.
Today we talked about how “sin” (negative intentions) has no foundation, meaning it will always crumble. This also pertains to falsehoods/lies. They will always come to the light/be exposed.
I saw my second hummingbird in life ever a few weeks ago. Before then, I thought the bird I saw as a child might have been a figment of my imagination, as I didn’t think they were native to West Virginia.
My Pisces sister Miss Cynthia said she once grew a rare Chinese flower that attracted the bird in this area. Maybe my flower garden at my dad’s will attract more.
-a time to pursue your dreams more aggressively, as they will quickly become a reality.
-joy is around the corner.
-going anywhere you feel you need to go.
-seizing the moment and opportunity in front of you.
-a need to sweeten up your life.-surrounding yourself with flowers.
Everything hits different when you’re happy.
“Greetings from High Point”
Hey, It’s me. I’m glad I can still come to you in this way, even if I always long for more. It’s better than not being able to come to you at all.
I’m here like we talked about before you left. I took a risk like you did. It’s scary yet liberating all at once. I feel exactly how you must have felt when you took the same risk. I have a new respect for you and all that you were.
It’s still hot. The people are still friendly and adventure is never hard to find here. I still look for you here. Sometimes I find you.
So vividly, I see us painting Winston-Salem red and wondering what I would grow up to create. I see us shopping until we dropped (even when we didn’t have it like that).
I see us at City Lake Park swimming and going on $2 boat rides. I see you making friends everywhere you went and excited to explore everything that West Virginia denied you.
I see you tapping into the youth you never got to enjoy. I see you in me. I’m here to finish what you started.
I am love.
I am peace.
I am truth.
I am abundance.
I am radiant.
I am magic.
I am happiness.
I am intelligence.
I am joy.
I am light.
I am freedom.
ABOUT THE BOOK, AUTHOR & ILLUSTRATOR
‘Finding Freedom’ follows the life of the author Kabrea A. James as she navigates post-graduation life, dating in her mid-twenties and healing from the recent loss of her mother.
Kabrea A. James is a journalist and visual artist born and raised in Beckley, West Virginia. In 2018, she graduated from Marshall University with a B.A. in Print Journalism and a concentration in English.
Aaliyah O’Brien lives in the Triad of North Carolina as an illustrator, writer and photographer.
Copyright © 2019 by Leuphorique
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.